As we settle into our new and frightening reality, I can’t stop thinking about that existential feeling of dread I felt on election night when it became apparent Trump was going to win against all odds. It was a little like the sacroiliac injection I had a few years earlier. After an anesthetic shot that took care of any surface discomfort, this long spinal needle was driven into the deepest part of my physical body. I gutterally groaned at the depth of the pain, it was nothing like I had felt before. Sometimes doctors will tell you that cortisone shots are like a miracle, that you’ll feel better within days, but this was not the case for me. My lower back still hurt afterward, and I had to go back for a second shot. The second shot was not quite as painful, and the doctor told me that the inflammation was like burning coals so the second time, things were a bit calmer. At this moment my soul hurts, the deepest, most tender part.

Many of you know I have been on top of the corruption and hypocrisy of the Trump administration from the very beginning. I have learned to negotiate Twitter, the good information and the bad information. I do not score 100% on this, but I have learned to consistently question the veracity of information that’s out there. This at the same time that Russians are capitalizing on our open society by throwing out disinformation to further their cause, sowing division in our country, proving the point that an open democracy can be exploited for nefarious purposes. For the people who have not paid any attention at all, many elements of our own country’s right wing are also exploiting the same, multiple avenues of disinformation alongside Russian troll farms and Facebook, among others. Why is that? Why are neo-Nazis a thing again? Why is the “dear leader” behavior so prevalent? And why are so many Republicans fading into the background, quietly assenting to every racist and misogynist trope and hurtful policy? Why was the NRA spending so much time in Russia, why were Flynn and Jill Stein hanging out with Putin, and why did eight Republican congressmen visit Russia on the symbolic July 4th a few years back?

When the Trump administration got started Steve Bannon had written on a white board a list of all the things that needed to be done or undone for that matter. He included things like repealing and replacing Obamacare and intensifying the scrutiny of incoming immigrants multifold. Bannon’s chief aim was the deconstruction of the administrative state and outright said this at a CPAC conference early on. The cabinet picks were appointed to deconstruct their departments…